You will learn to follow my guru ways because of one reason, and one reason only...I have taste. Most of you men do not. It’s just a fact. I hate to break your stone-cold little hearts, but if you’re going to wear khaki cargo pants, it BETTER not be to the office, and it better be when you are a 9th grader in high-school. Either that, or to some casual venue of some sort, like a Yankee game—this way you can hold my wallet, my phone, my camera, my iPod, my hair brush and my lip gloss in your pockets. After all, Mark Teixeria WILL be looking for me in the stands, and I would really rather be wearing lip gloss when he does.
The one thing that bothers me about men’s fashion is that it is so painfully EASY, that it boggles my mind how you boys just cannot get it. Yes t-shirts are comfortable…to sleep in; to play sports in; to hike in; to go on a date in? No. To go to a party in? No.
I fear with you boys, we must start at the basics, so for today let’s just start with what not to wear. We can always focus on the stuff you should do on another day.
- If it has holes in it, give it to your gal of choice to wear to sleep; otherwise it’s nothing but trash…much like those dirty magazines under your bed, as well as the women in them, but that’s a totally different story for a very non-Kosher blog.
- If it hasn’t been washed in more than a week, then first of all, ew. Second of all, Machine. Wash. Cold. Learn it. Love it.
- Yes, stains do go in the “should –I-wash-this?” category.
- If it’s brown and black, please don’t, k? The same goes for navy. I’m talking dark brown and navy here, and yes that includes socks. We’re women…we notice EVERYTHING.
- There is nothing wrong with a guy wearing pink, but if it’s the color of a little girl’s tricycle, you may want to consider a lot of other really masculine pieces to go with it. And maybe grunt every few minutes or so, just for assurance purposes.
- Remember those tube socks? They are the female equivalent of a ‘scrunchie’, and they died in 1980 and are now used solely for ‘do-not-disturb’ signs on college dorm-room doorknobs across the country. You really want that on your feet? Yes, Dad, I’m talking to you.
- Speaking of socks, do not wear socks with sandals. Ever.
- Speaking of sandals, do not wear sandals in the winter. Unless you’re in the Caribbean, in which case, can I go with you? I promise to bring my own t-shirt with holes in it (a common misconception, but yes, girls have them too--we just don’t wear them in public).
- Three piece suit? Sexy. Pants that don’t reach the ankle? Not sexy.
- Finally, I grew up with four brothers, and their excuse was always, “But I’m color blind!”. It’s like the number one excuse for you dudes; we KNOW you’re not actually color blind, you’re really just doofuses, who need to learn that red and green is NOT a solid color combination. Not even for Jews on Christmas. For every time you men say that you’re color blind, we women get to say “Do I look fat in this?”. Is that a deal?
Good, now if you boys have any questions whatsoever, please don’t hesitate to ask. I only say this for your own good. That, and if I am going to be seen out in public with you, it’s best you look your best. I’m too pretty to be out in public with a guy wearing a red and green shirt with holes in it, and stains on it, with black pants and navy socks with sandals. Till next time, gentlemen. Ladies, you’re welcome.
D
